The One Is Out There

No. I'm not talking about Heysus Kristo nor Thomas Anderson, aka Neo. I'm talking about soul mates.

I was consoling a friend because her relationship had ended. I knew there was nothing I could say except to listen. From my perspective, this break up was a good thing because she was entrenched in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. She wanted a child and marriage, and her ex had told her he didn't from the beginning. So he was upfront. But she just wanted to have some fun, so she decided to have some fun with him. A year had flown by and he didn't change his mind about marriage and children. She knew he wouldn't, but as I've said, she was stuck, like a sabertooth sinking in a tar pit.

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Part of her being entrenched was that she had been afraid of going through the pain of a breakup. I get that. But loving someone and knowing that you're not right for each other can play games on your mind. During the relationship, she had questioned her want for children, her need for marriage and wondered if holding back her affections had driven him away. After the breakup, she found herself wanting to reconcile with her ex, throwing out her wants and needs and forgetting how he had treated her because the fear of being alone haunted her.

Searching for some answer or meaning, she decided to talk to a coach that specializes in relationships. The coach had told her that a man with all the qualities and attributes that my friend wanted existed. She was surprised to hear this, and asked, "He is?" The coach confirmed, essentially stating that the one is out there. My friend was relieved and felt much better about her predicament. Her biological alarm clock was going off, and her hopes of having a child was waning.

When I had been consoling my friend, it never occurred to me to tell her that the one was out there. Even if the thought had crossed my mind, I would still never tell her this. I don't believe in the one. I don't know if a man with all the qualities and attributes that she wants is out there. And even if he was, there's no way for anyone to know if he will meet my friend. And if they were to meet and got married and had kids, he'd change and grow and become a new person. Just like a real boy.

Still, my friend had felt better and been relieved. So, didn’t the coach’s statement help her cope with the emotional fallout of her breakup? Cope means to deal effectively with something difficult. If this statement only pacifies her for a moment, then no, it doesn't help because she still needs to heal from her breakup. Sometimes that can be painful.

There are going to be moments where she'll want to cry. She won't want to eat. She may want to stay home and not see people. That's perfectly fine. Sometimes it sunny. Sometimes it rains.

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When she told me what the coach had said, I did not challenge it. The reason is simple. Just as I can't know if a man of her dreams exists, I don't know if he doesn't. Nor do I know whether or not they'll meet. And even if they met, would he marry her and be the father of her child? I tell her all the time. Humans are awful at telling the future. Extraordinarily horrible. We can make educated guesses. But educated or not, they're still guesses.

My advice was simple. Process these feelings. Cry. Talk to people. Eat ice cream. Tons of it. No, don't do that. Go outside. Whatever she wants to do. This isn't her first rodeo. She's come out of past breakups fine. She'll come out of this fine as well.

Afterward, move forward. Have hope. There are tons of people out there. I mean, if a ton is 2,000 pounds, and the average man weighs around 160 pounds, that's 12.5 men per ton. There are forty million people in California alone. In other words, there's hella men for her to meet. Whatever the next step is, be it dating sites, going out with friends, putting herself out there is a great first step. The other choice is giving up. To do that would only fulfill her fear of dying alone.

Hope. If we can't change our past or tell the future, then hope helps point the mind in the right direction.