Don't Be a Fuckin' Pussy

Don't be a fuckin' pussy. I told someone that the other day. In those exact words. After he deleted my sarcastic joke on a group chat. That's like telling me to shut up. So I told him don't be a fuckin' pussy. He took offense. But he didn't swear back, which I found strange.

He told me that he had deleted my comment because he didn't "want it to set her off." There were other women in the chat, but he made reference to one. I've also seen him interact with this particular woman, and it's pretty obvious he likes her. The issue is that this woman leans toward the masculine side. Not physically, she's very pretty. But she likes cars, guns, action movies and abhors girly things like chick flicks. And the guy who deleted my comment is not assertive. So...

Good luck buddy.

All of this sparked memories of me being a nice guy and how I often ended up with the short end of the stick. No, my stick ain't short. I'm not saying you have to be an asshole to get the girl, for example, because that will eventually blow up too. So what should a man be?

I have a friend who plays the nice guy when he goes on dates. What do I mean by play? Any true opinion he holds goes out the window for fear that he'll offend his date. So if she likes something, then he'll state he likes that as well whether that's true or not. He takes women on expensive first dates such as concerts, which is a bad idea because they won't connect through something I like to call, conversation. Or when trying to set up a date, he'll ask if they want to do this or go to that instead of just saying, "Let's do this. It sounds fun." He's playing nice in order to get at her. This becomes a balancing act because he represses his true self and acts out the nice guy.

But if the woman likes him, he'll continue walking the tight rope of truth and fiction, trying to figure out what part of him she likes. Unfortunately, second dates for him are like taking a picture of the mythical unicorn.

The truth of the matter is that he is an interesting person. He's like a diamond in that he has a lot of facets to his life, but muddies them up with his insecurities to the point that others can't see them. From the outside he looks and acts awkward.

Now, I ain't no dating coach. But I do know this. Being yourself is the easiest thing to be. You don't gotta be fake. It takes a lot of work to be fake. Not only do you have to suppress your real self but you have to create a fake personality to portray. When you're yourself, all your hang ups go out the window because you aren't thinking about them. You don't have to look cool, or be cool, or act as if you're cool. You're real. So if a woman likes him, then he'll know that she likes him for him.

However, if someone doesn't like you for you, then you know they ain't gonna be a good friend to ya. Because if they liked the fake you and saw the real you, then "Drama!"

I've had people not like me for various reasons. And I don't give a shit. I can't. To try and patch the holes of my inefficiencies by their standards is like trying to stop a broken dam. That ain't gonna happen. I'm too busy for that shit.

Also know that if someone doesn't like you, the issues lies within them. Some woman had professed her hatred for me. Apparently, I was too vulgar. I couldn't stop laughing when my friend told me that. I'm comfortable in my skin. Not all the time. I'm only human. But generally I'm pretty comfortable talking about anything. This woman who hates me may not be. Her insecurities may flare up with my...ahem...honesty. Or maybe she was taught to be a good girl. So whenever she's confronted with anything that may poke holes in that facade, then her automatic response is to shun it.

Pretense is very hard to shed. For some people they've lived with this facade throughout their whole lives. Habits are difficult to break. Ask any woman not to wear makeup for a week and see if they'll do it. Highly unlikely. Like chipping away at a concrete wall, breaking a habit will take time. Shit. I'm still working at it. But I do it because I like who I am. I do it for me.

Do Ya Feel the Heat?

Push it.  Push it good

Push it.  Push it good

A couple girlfriends ago, I was left devastated by the breakup. She was one of those that felt like the one that got away, but after getting over the hurt, I realized, as she kindly stated, we weren’t meant to be. In the moment, it was hard to imagine not being with her because I couldn’t see a future without her, like breaking up salt and pepper, except I was the less common sea salt and she the ghost chili.

We had been dating so long that I had no idea how to get back into the game. Nor was I ready, and the pain lent itself like a muse to write NIGHTFALL. After a few months crawled by, and I do mean slow crawl filled with balling my eyes out, I decided I needed to learn more about women for the day when I’d be ready to plunge back into the dating world.

This is the true Secret

This is the true Secret

Spending most of my nights alone after my writing sessions, I explored the free content my cable provider provided. And was pleasantly surprised by what I found. They had videos from Neil Strauss who authored the very popular book, THE GAME, and Lance Mason, who runs the PUA (pick up artist) school Pick Up 101. Granted, what they showed and talked about were basic things, since they are trying to get you to sign up for their programs, but it opened my mind on ways of approaching and connecting with women.

Now, before you ladies swing your steel tip stilettos, give me some credit and read on.

Am I mysterious?

Am I mysterious?

This lead me to reading some blogs, watching more videos and even the reality TV series, The Pick Up Artist, hosted by Mystery, a renowned PUA, who teaches the Mystery Method, something he calls the venutian arts.  Creative and...um...hmm...

Hold on ladies, no thrashing, yet.

Using my past experience as a barometer for what worked and didn’t work for me, I distilled all that crazy PUA (sounds like someone’s spitting) stuff down to two basic things: Connect with women on an emotional level (confidence and sense of humor being the two most requested qualities from the ladies), and be aware of stalkish behavior.

The other stuff these guys teach, at least for me, such as routines, levels of escalation, and pea cocking (wearing outlandish clothes/accessories to get noticed) got too complicated for me. From countless days soul searching what I wanted out of life, at the very least, I had to be true to myself. I did not connect with most of what they taught, though, that doesn’t mean it would not work for anyone else.

There're no necked pics!

There're no necked pics!

By this time, I was fast approaching the end of my curiosity with the PUA world, which led me to David Wygant, a real life HITCH. It was his advice that I truly connected with. What had worked for me in the past he teaches. What did not work for me, he advises against. So there was some consistency.

But the main thing that I got from his videos, blog, and products (he sells many and I tried one out), was have fun. If you have fun, others will want to be around you, something I to take to heart. He tells you to listen and observe (something I love to do), and from there you can create conversation, but at the heart of it all, being and having fun was central in attracting both men and women. Not that I’m bi, nor do I judge, but David does consult with both sexes.

OK, ladies. Hurl those stilettos.

This strange little journey also taught me something unexpected. In listening to a seminar, the speaker said people sense energy without even knowing it and that women are more sensitive than most men. Given that women are allowed to feel and men are supposed to man up that made sense to me. There’s no real way to scientifically quantify that, I suppose, but an example was given. If someone flicked a cigarette lighter on under your ass, you’d feel it even if you didn’t see or know it. Fire is a form of energy. OK…makes sense.

Is that the funky bunch?

Is that the funky bunch?

Going back to being stalkish. Women have been dealing with this from an early age. Look at all the icky stories of uncles, fathers and grandfathers being creepy. A report stated that one out of three women has been sexually assaulted. Guys look and holler at women as they stroll by, all the while the media is telling women to be easy, breezy, beautiful, covergirl. I can’t even imagine the crap women go through on a daily basis. One thing's for sure, they can sense stalkish behavior like a shark senses prey.

I understood this from an intellectual point of view. But I began to internalize it when hanging with a friend. As a side note, my friend is harmless, friendly, and means well. I love the guy.  But when we go out, women tend to shy away when he tries to connect with them. Having little to do one day, I recalled conversations he had with women, his body language, his actions, and couldn’t figure out why he was striking out. Then it hit me.

We’d gone to a picnic where he talked to an attractive woman and he asked for her email. He told me the email bounced back, meaning it was fake. Then he told me he friended (I know, not a word) her on Facebook.

“How the hell did you do that?” I asked. He didn’t have her last name, no phone number, just a first name, a common one at that.

Well, he knew where she worked, where she had worked, what city she lived in, and through some special websites had found her profile on Facebook, friended her. He found out how old she was, where she lived in the past, and other information I thought wouldn’t be public knowledge.

“Uh,” I intelligently said. “That’s kinda stalkish.”

He rationed that all this information is somewhere on the net and is available if you look for it. Stalkish? You be the judge.

Here’s the issue: From my perspective, he’s stalking even if he means well. In his defense, he does. But due to women’s sensitivity, like a shark, I know they sense that stalkish energy. From my own personal experience, women are turned off by this.

I’ve tried to advise him, but all he does is poke fun at my mightier than thou advice. I get it. It’s my fault really. He never asked for my advice, and what works for me may not work for him.

We’s all be different, ya na mean? Sorry. Ghetto Jimmy came out.