The One Is Out There

No. I'm not talking about Heysus Kristo nor Thomas Anderson, aka Neo. I'm talking about soul mates.

I was consoling a friend because her relationship had ended. I knew there was nothing I could say except to listen. From my perspective, this breakup had been a good thing because she was entrenched in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. She wanted a child and marriage, and her ex had told her he didn't from the beginning. So he was upfront. But she just wanted to have some fun, so she decided to have some fun with him. A year had flown by and he didn't change his mind about marriage and children. She knew he wouldn't, but as I've said, she was stuck, like a sabertooth sinking in a tar pit.


Part of her being entrenched was that she had been afraid of going through the pain of a breakup. I get that. But loving someone and knowing that you're not right for each other can play games on your mind. During the relationship, she had questioned her want for children, her need for marriage and wondered if holding back her affections had driven him away. After the breakup, she found herself wanting to reconcile with her ex, throwing out her wants and needs and forgetting how he had treated her because the fear of being alone haunted her.

Searching for some answer or meaning, she decided to talk to a coach that specializes in relationships. The coach had told her that a man with all the qualities and attributes that my friend wanted existed. She was surprised to hear this, and asked, "He is?" The coach confirmed, essentially stating that the one is out there. My friend was relieved and felt much better about her predicament. Her biological alarm clock was going off, and her hopes of having a child was waning.

When I had been consoling my friend, it never occurred to me to tell her that the one was out there. Even if the thought had crossed my mind, I would still never tell her this. I don't believe in the one. I don't know if a man with all the qualities and attributes that she wants is out there. And even if he was, there's no way for anyone to know if he will meet my friend. And if they were to meet and got married and had kids, he'd change and grow and become a new person. Just like a real boy.

Still, my friend had felt better and been relieved. So, didn’t the coach’s statement help her cope with the emotional fallout of her breakup? Cope means to deal effectively with something difficult. If this statement only pacifies her for a moment, then no, it doesn't help because she still needs to heal from her breakup. Sometimes that can be painful.

There are going to be moments where she'll want to cry. She won't want to eat. She may want to stay home and not see people. That's perfectly fine. Sometimes it sunny. Sometimes it rains.


When she told me what the coach had said, I did not challenge it. The reason is simple. Just as I can't know if a man of her dreams exists, I don't know if he doesn't. Nor do I know whether or not they'll meet. And even if they met, would he marry her and be the father of her child? I tell her all the time. Humans are awful at telling the future. Extraordinarily horrible. We can make educated guesses. But educated or not, they're still guesses.

My advice was simple. Process these feelings. Cry. Talk to people. Eat ice cream. Tons of it. No, don't do that. Go outside. Whatever she wants to do. This isn't her first rodeo. She's come out of past breakups fine. She'll come out of this fine as well.

Afterward, move forward. Have hope. There are tons of people out there. I mean, if a ton is 2,000 pounds, and the average man weighs around 160 pounds, that's 12.5 men per ton. There are forty million people in California alone. In other words, there's hella men for her to meet. Whatever the next step is, be it dating sites, going out with friends, putting herself out there is a great first step. The other choice is giving up. To do that would only fulfill her fear of dying alone.

Hope. If we can't change our past or tell the future, then hope helps point the mind in the right direction.

Sole Mates

My balls!

My balls!

Going through a break up is the hardest thing that I've had to go through. Especially from a woman that I enjoyed being with. I've been told that each subsequent one gets easier. Yeah, right. This was my fourth long relationship and it's just as painful. I didn't realize how her rhythmic breath at night was like a swinging gold watch that helped me enter deep sleep. Her laughter at my stupid jokes made me feel good. Her company in my life made my days worth living, giving me breaks in the midst of work, writing, and GTL. I could only hope that somehow when we were together I had brightened her day.

What disheartened me the most is the absence: by my bedside, everyday places we went, and her little dog. I gave it to her for her birthday and named him Dobby. Awesome little dude.

Wasn't I supposed to get a sock instead?

Wasn't I supposed to get a sock instead?

With the end of each relationship, I do my best to learn from my mistakes. What did I do correct? What should I have done? I'm not talking about infinitesimal things like should I have given her that watch or purse? I know that if two people are supposed to be together for a long time, lifetime even, then it'll happen despite these minuscule mistakes. I'm referring to the biggies: Did I listen? Was I curious about her even after a long time together? Did I take care of her a way a man should? Did I love her the way she needed?

More importantly, will I learn from these mistakes?

For me, one of the worst things I can do is wallow in pity. The questions above can often times lead to that. So I did what a lot of women do after breakups (I know. I ain't no woman). I seeked refuge in friends and be open about my feelings if the subject comes up.

I went on a hike with a friend who introduced me to several new friends. After, we went to dinner. "What are your requirements for your mate?" I asked the group.

My new Indian friend asked, "For date or marriage?" Very good question. I said marriage.

"You mean my list?" the lone woman said.

I nodded. "Yeah. What's your top five things you can't live without?"

"Only five?"

Gawd. "How many things are on your list?"

What am you missing?

What am you missing?

She stretched out her arms. Funny thing is, she wasn't kidding. I was surprised because we seemed to be a slightly enlightened group. Not that there isn't the perfect guy out there for her, but her long list of requirements often cuts the list of guys down to nuthin'. I've seen this happen many times.

I was watching an episode of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, and Ted reluctantly went to a match making service. He quipped that there are millions of women in New York and didn't need that matchmaker's help. There's plenty of fish in the sea, he stated. She pulled out her trusty calculator and attacked the buttons like a madwoman. She said:

There's 9 million people in New York. 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone roughly your own age - let's say plus, minus 5 years. So if you take into account the most recent census data that leaves us with 482,000 women. But wait! 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility. And then you have to take out the ex girlfriends and the relatives. And, oh, you can't forget those lesbians. And then that leaves us with 8 women.

Of course, the last line sounds a little arbitrary but the matchmaker's point is simple: How many people are we truly compatible with? I'm not a believer of THE ONE, the sole mate. We as humans are compatible with many people, and some are compatible with many people at the same time. Not sure if I'd want that. We have many soul mates in friends, pets, and lovers just as we have different kinds of friends - lovers, pals, or basketball buddies.

I would say this: The number of people we'd be willing to dedicate our whole lives to are rather small in comparison to the number of fish in the sea. Since we don't know what that number is, and, more often than not, what we want in a mate, we should be open to who comes into our lives, explore a bit, and have fun finding our soul mate(s).