Do Ya Feel the Heat?

Push it.  Push it good

Push it.  Push it good

A couple girlfriends ago, I was left devastated by the breakup. She was one of those that felt like the one that got away, but after getting over the hurt, I realized, as she kindly stated, we weren’t meant to be. In the moment, it was hard to imagine not being with her because I couldn’t see a future without her, like breaking up salt and pepper, except I was the less common sea salt and she the ghost chili.

We had been dating so long that I had no idea how to get back into the game. Nor was I ready, and the pain lent itself like a muse to write NIGHTFALL. After a few months crawled by, and I do mean slow crawl filled with balling my eyes out, I decided I needed to learn more about women for the day when I’d be ready to plunge back into the dating world.

This is the true Secret

This is the true Secret

Spending most of my nights alone after my writing sessions, I explored the free content my cable provider provided. And was pleasantly surprised by what I found. They had videos from Neil Strauss who authored the very popular book, THE GAME, and Lance Mason, who runs the PUA (pick up artist) school Pick Up 101. Granted, what they showed and talked about were basic things, since they are trying to get you to sign up for their programs, but it opened my mind on ways of approaching and connecting with women.

Now, before you ladies swing your steel tip stilettos, give me some credit and read on.

Am I mysterious?

Am I mysterious?

This lead me to reading some blogs, watching more videos and even the reality TV series, The Pick Up Artist, hosted by Mystery, a renowned PUA, who teaches the Mystery Method, something he calls the venutian arts.  Creative and...um...hmm...

Hold on ladies, no thrashing, yet.

Using my past experience as a barometer for what worked and didn’t work for me, I distilled all that crazy PUA (sounds like someone’s spitting) stuff down to two basic things: Connect with women on an emotional level (confidence and sense of humor being the two most requested qualities from the ladies), and be aware of stalkish behavior.

The other stuff these guys teach, at least for me, such as routines, levels of escalation, and pea cocking (wearing outlandish clothes/accessories to get noticed) got too complicated for me. From countless days soul searching what I wanted out of life, at the very least, I had to be true to myself. I did not connect with most of what they taught, though, that doesn’t mean it would not work for anyone else.

There're no necked pics!

There're no necked pics!

By this time, I was fast approaching the end of my curiosity with the PUA world, which led me to David Wygant, a real life HITCH. It was his advice that I truly connected with. What had worked for me in the past he teaches. What did not work for me, he advises against. So there was some consistency.

But the main thing that I got from his videos, blog, and products (he sells many and I tried one out), was have fun. If you have fun, others will want to be around you, something I to take to heart. He tells you to listen and observe (something I love to do), and from there you can create conversation, but at the heart of it all, being and having fun was central in attracting both men and women. Not that I’m bi, nor do I judge, but David does consult with both sexes.

OK, ladies. Hurl those stilettos.

This strange little journey also taught me something unexpected. In listening to a seminar, the speaker said people sense energy without even knowing it and that women are more sensitive than most men. Given that women are allowed to feel and men are supposed to man up that made sense to me. There’s no real way to scientifically quantify that, I suppose, but an example was given. If someone flicked a cigarette lighter on under your ass, you’d feel it even if you didn’t see or know it. Fire is a form of energy. OK…makes sense.

Is that the funky bunch?

Is that the funky bunch?

Going back to being stalkish. Women have been dealing with this from an early age. Look at all the icky stories of uncles, fathers and grandfathers being creepy. A report stated that one out of three women has been sexually assaulted. Guys look and holler at women as they stroll by, all the while the media is telling women to be easy, breezy, beautiful, covergirl. I can’t even imagine the crap women go through on a daily basis. One thing's for sure, they can sense stalkish behavior like a shark senses prey.

I understood this from an intellectual point of view. But I began to internalize it when hanging with a friend. As a side note, my friend is harmless, friendly, and means well. I love the guy.  But when we go out, women tend to shy away when he tries to connect with them. Having little to do one day, I recalled conversations he had with women, his body language, his actions, and couldn’t figure out why he was striking out. Then it hit me.

We’d gone to a picnic where he talked to an attractive woman and he asked for her email. He told me the email bounced back, meaning it was fake. Then he told me he friended (I know, not a word) her on Facebook.

“How the hell did you do that?” I asked. He didn’t have her last name, no phone number, just a first name, a common one at that.

Well, he knew where she worked, where she had worked, what city she lived in, and through some special websites had found her profile on Facebook, friended her. He found out how old she was, where she lived in the past, and other information I thought wouldn’t be public knowledge.

“Uh,” I intelligently said. “That’s kinda stalkish.”

He rationed that all this information is somewhere on the net and is available if you look for it. Stalkish? You be the judge.

Here’s the issue: From my perspective, he’s stalking even if he means well. In his defense, he does. But due to women’s sensitivity, like a shark, I know they sense that stalkish energy. From my own personal experience, women are turned off by this.

I’ve tried to advise him, but all he does is poke fun at my mightier than thou advice. I get it. It’s my fault really. He never asked for my advice, and what works for me may not work for him.

We’s all be different, ya na mean? Sorry. Ghetto Jimmy came out.

No Pain, No Gain?

No pain, no gain.

Ronnie Coleman is an 8-time Mr. Olympia.  Mr. Olympia is the pinnacle competition for bodybuilders.  Arnold Schwarzenegger has won it seven times.

In anyone's travels to the top, which I hear is a lonely place, there are sacrifices that have to be made.  Especially in the sports arena, a lot of athletes work with the adage "No pain, no gain."  I've also heard the downside of that philosophy, over working, over training.  Let's face it.  Too much of anything is bad.

We can't go more than a few days without water.  In an apocalyptic world, water would trump gold any day.  But drink too much water, and you'll die.

I've been going to the gym for many years.  I've seen many of the same faces.  And many of the same bodies.  Now, I can't really judge their intentions for going to the gym.  Some need the exercise, prescribed by their doctors.  Others want that rock-hard, beach-ready look.  I can, however, read their intentions by their actions.  And I'd say most people who go to the gym want to look good nekked (naked for those who is unfamiliar with Eddie Murphy).

Here are a few indications:  the gym is pact during New Years and Mondays, guys grunt needlessly as they lift, others talk about their fast cars when scantily clothed females are near by, and still others roll up their t-shirt sleeves, glaring at themselves in the mirror.  Even worse are those who spend endless hours on the treadmill or stationary bike, reading books.  But rarely do I see any change in their body composition over the years.

What do people do instead?

Whine and quit.

So, maybe, no pain, no gain is the way to go.

When I first started training, a friend of mine would go lift with me.  Not only did he have the worst form, but his diet was full of crap food.  And within a couple of months, his strength gains and build had improved faster than I've ever seen.  He was also very athletically gifted, and suffered no "pain".

Recently, I had talked to a kid who was going to the gym four times a week.  He'd been working out for several years but made little headway to the physique he wanted.  Looking at his body, I asked him what he did.  Once he became aware he made little progress, he did a little researched and realized he'd been complacent.

Now, every single workout is different.  It takes a bit more effort, putting more thought into his workouts, most of his sessions are difficult both mentally and physically.  I see him.  From the very first set to the last, he pushes hard.  I feel the pain as he hammers out each set.  As a result, he's able to lift more weight than a lot of the bigger guys in the gym.  And he's reaping the rewards.

The key here is that he became aware and made changes.

So life isn't just about no pain, no gain as much as noticing where you are, what have you done to get to where you want to be, and do you have to make changes that may be uncomfortable to fulfill your dreams.  For some, it's painless.  For others, it's not.