One Love

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 “I don’t like it when people think I’m racist because I voted for Trump,” a friend of mine said.

It’s well known that Trump is racist. Does voting for him mean that my friend is a racist as well?

Short answer: No. Yes, he’s white. Guilt by association is a fallacy. Yet he tends to find white people boring. More on this later. My friend likes a lot of the policies Trump is making and is working toward, including the wall. The problem is that he voted for a guy who skirts the line of being a white nationalist and prefers to hang out with dictators and shuns democratic leaders.

So why am I his friend?

Short answer: He’s a good dude. Though, he and I disagree on a lot of things, we can have debates without getting emotional. Not because we’re manly men. We are. I’m free to hate on his ideas: religion, political views, prejudices against whites. But I love his toilet humor, his love of motorcycles, and his compassion. Since he has no power to make policy for this country, I’m not giving someone the ability to make stupid choices like building a wall to try and stop the illegal immigration that is happening.

When someone votes a person into power, they support that person in their entirety, whether the voter disagrees with any part of their world view or not. So my friend may not be a racist, but he put his trust into someone who is. And now that person has the ability to affect policy in a way that fits his warped world view. And if it favors some people and not others—the rich, for example—then the country suffers as a whole.

Now, I’ve heard several people making the proclamation that white people are boring. I’ve definitely made that same proclamation about FOBs. We’re completely wrong. And, yes, this is about not judging a book by its cover. Even though when it comes to books, I do. I know it’s wrong, despite being an author.

I think because my upbringing was in the San Francisco Bay Area, where diversity is a key feature, I’ve met many interesting and boring people. And what they look like rarely defined that quality. My friend grew up in a predominantly Caucasian area, so somehow that might have skewed his  perception. I tend to find people interesting if we can have cool in-depth conversations. Often times I don’t find that out until I dig a little deeper, since most people live in a very politically correct mindset, and I don’t.

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I know in parties I’ve been the boring one because I might have felt insecure for some reason and wasn’t able to let my real self out. I also know that what can make a person interesting depends on the observer. So I may want to geek out about storytelling, others may find that ghastly dull. Or I may want to talk about how The Satanic Temple is doing good work in separating church and state, and people will stare at me with despair and want to run away but doesn’t for fear of being viewed as rude. So when it comes to conversation, it takes two to tango. And it’s this fact that my friend and I get along well, despite our vastly different world views. Within that friendship, we also find a lot of things in common. And I think people are all generally this way. We all want a certain level of security, connection with others, to be happy and content, and to be at peace. If we realize this, then tribalism can be minimized. Wasn’t this what Bob Marley sang about in One Love?

AMWF vs WMAF

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The classic questions:

To be or not to be? 

What is the meaning of life

Does God exist?

Do you want fries with that? 

Which is more prevalent? Asian Male White Female couples or White Male Asian Female couples? 

I started my YouTube addiction when I began to ride my mechanical steedThere are endless videos that show motorcycle mishaps. I wanted to see the riders’ mistakes and hopefully learn from them. Those videos led me to babes on bikes, chics on bikes, babes and chics on bikes, which inevitably led to documentaries.

Recently, I had come across a forty-minute video from Natalie Tran, an Asian Aussie woman dating a pretty fly Aussie, for a white guy. She has a pretty big following on YouTube, and she received a lot of hateful comments due to her relationship with this white colonizer. I say colonizer with a heaping scoop of sarcasm and a sprinkling of yellow fever. Because as I was watching the documentary, I felt the anger from my younger days bubbling up. I remember talking with my fellow yellow brothahs on how white dudes were taking away our yellow sistahs. But we were no where near qualified to talk about a sensitive subject such as this, given our narrow point of view.

In Natalie's documentary, she speaks to several Asian professionals from a pick up artist to a matchmaker and a senior lecturer at the University of Sidney with a focus on Asian representation in the media. They all agree that Asian women tend to be desired as opposed to Asian males, who are not. The main factor behind both of these perspectives are the media. Asian women are hyper-sexualized. Asian males are shown as physically inferior (i.e. height challenged, meek), not engaging, nerdy, socially awkward.

The matchmaker has encountered women, even Asian women who would prefer not to date Asian men due to the above mentioned stereotypes. She's had to work extra hard to sell an Asian guy as a match, touting his many qualities that fall outside of the media fed image. When it came to selling a non-Asian male, the matchmaker didn't have to mention that he’s manly and does manly things. She realizes that the justification of Asian males is wrong, but it's become a reality of her job.

I'd recommend the video. I can't do it justice here. However, for me, the many conversations Natalie has is pretty engaging, but then I'm one of those undesirable Asian males. So I'm always open on how to grow—not height wise—and improve myself.

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After I was done watching, I noticed another video, a rebuttal to Natalie's film. This Asian fellow was particularly angry and honed in on how Asian males have a severe disadvantage versus other races. That white men have white privilege, so they automatically have an advantage. And his biggest point is that he sees way more Asian women dating white men than white women dating Asian men. Data through dating sites like OkCupid seems to support this.

So what can Asian men do to combat this beast of prejudice? Here's what I've discovered that not only will tame this beast but will make Asian males more desirable in the eyes of females all around the world and Venus. What you do is NOTHING.

Get out of town, Jimmy.

First of all, I don't live in a town, I live in a city. Second, I get out of the city all the time.

Let me drop some truth on y’alls. There's nothing to combat. If anything, the issue lies within the individual man. I don't care who you is, bruh, but if you wanna be attractive to da ladies, then you gotta love yourself. And not like that. Put the lotion away.

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What I mean is look in the mirror and get to know yourself. Your strengths. Weaknesses. Know your likes and things that make you go "Ew" like a valley girl. What are your core values? Are you a saver or a spender? Do you want a serious relationship, or do you just want friends with benefits? Being comfortable in your own skin will help dispel the power of your own weaknesses. In other words, they'll have little effect on you. Weaknesses don’t mean you’re weak. You may need to strengthen them if a situation calls for it.

And being open to yourself will also allow you to be vulnerable to women. That way when you talk to them, or anyone, you're not guarded. I tell women all the time that I'm a cheap date, that I attain the Asian glow drinking just one Coors Light. If a woman refuses to date me because of that, then we were never meant to be. She has no sense of humor. She may think my inability to hold my liquor is not manly. Therefore, I probably don't have the attributes she's looking for.

This leads me to another truth. Not everyone is gonna like you. Ya ain't gonna make everyone happy. If a woman doesn't want to date an Asian guy, then, as an Asian dude, why the fuck would you wanna date her? She's not worth your time.

Think of it this way. Would you want to spend time with someone who doesn't want to be your friend?

That's not to say that I didn't feel like low hanging fruit—yes, my fruit hangs low. For much of my younger years, I felt like I was inferior to other races of men. This is what I mean when I say the issue lies with the individual. I had this issue. No one planted it in me. So I decided to do something about it. I had to get out of my shell. I went out more, talked to different people, discovered that I had a pretty sick sense of humor, which I love. I slowly got to know me. Sure. There are things that I don’t like. But there’s a lot that I do.

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I decided to try an experiment. I switched my point of view and looked for Asian men dating non-Asian females. BLAM! My nephew had a black girlfriend, married her. I saw an old acquaintance of mine who had married a blonde. Saw a Chinese dude walk around in the gym with his Caucasian girlfriend. Actually, I don't know if he was Chinese or not. I can't tell the difference between the Asian races. AMWF couples were showing up everywhere. I was shocked.

So, instead of focusing on the issue that women don't like you for some strange reason, open your eyes to women who can handle your strangeness. From experience, going for what you want is way easier than being angry at the world.

There's one more point I want to hit on. Angry Asian harps on the fact that a lot of these Asian women only want to date white guys. He named several celebrities to prove his point. And their social media accounts show they all have white boyfriends. However, all of these women had railed against yellow fever, that they want to be seen and be wanted for who they are and not for what they look like. He then states that yellow fever doesn't really exist because guys don't care what race the girl is.

First of all Asian women can date whomever they want. Man, woman, dog, cactus. They are not obligated to date within their own race. Second, men do have their preferences. OkCupid and FaceBook had published a study that showed black women to have substantially fewer likes than other races of women. Third, Asian women can prefer white guys and still argue against yellow fever. Is it a double standard? Most certainly. But life is full of them. Notably slut-shaming. Society has taught women that it's bad for them to have many sexual partners. But it's fine if men do. I'm a dude. Even I think that's stupid. This brings me to my last point.

If you’re a woman and wanna sleep with someone and not be slut-shamed, then here's my contact page.

To live a happier life, remove the filter that the world hates you. Instead filter out people that don’t like you. It may feel like you're losing a lot of people, but you can't lose what you've never had in the first place.

Low Expectations

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In my previous post, I had stated that expectations can be the bane of relationships, using Valentine's Day as an example. If the woman had been expecting a grand gesture of gift and fine dining, and she received a card and dinner at Chili's, then resentment might grow. If the man had expected a superbly satisfying blow on his one-eyed python, but instead caught the stink eye from his lady, then resentment might root itself within him. Resentment can grow and explode into a full-blown argument. And those are exhausting.

The post came about when a woman had asked me how to have a long happy relationship. My answer was to have no expectations.

You know when you go to a Star Wars movie, like the one released at the end of 2017, and there were a jack load of people that were disappointed with the film? Everyone entered the theater with pretty high expectations. Me included. I remember thinking halfway through the movie: This smells like stinky butt. I had some hope that the end of The Last Jedi would sorta bring everything together, much like how Pulp Fiction had done, and I would feel like an asshole for thinking such blasphemy. Yeah...no.

Had I lowered my expectations to where Hell exists, then I wouldn't have felt so bad paying seventeen bucks. With no expectations, I would have enjoyed the film for what it is. Entertaining crap.

Now, I'm not saying you should lower your expectations so your relationship can be long and happy. Doing so would end the relationship in a dull silence of an atomic explosion.

If a husband does nothing to help his wife when she's sick, then she has two basic choices. Accept his behavior. Or not. I don't expect many women would let their husbands' callousness to go unpunished. A discussion needs to take place at this point.

Going back to the Valentine's Day example, the couple should set expectations. Do they want something grand and memorable? Or do they want something low key? Neither is wrong in my eye. Well none of those things can fit in my eye. But expectations should be set.

That's why communication is so important in a relationship. Each side should state what they want, and then compromise from there. It's a goddamn relationship, dammit! So go. And relate.

The Death of a Butterfly

I like to ask uncomfortable questions. Especially when people are in relationships. You can tell a lot about a person by how they date. Just like you can tell how a person will treat you by how they treat the waitstaff. But if your lovers tip you after having sex, then that might be kinda awkward.

When I meet people, I naturally start thinking about what character traits they may have if they were to be written in a story. Character traits shape how they see the world. So if someone is insecure, then they'll value themselves below everyone else, for example.

A friend of mine is seeing someone that lives out of state. I think her character traits look like this:

She works with kids, loves them. She's insecure, and I'd imagine because she doesn't know herself well. She has lived a sheltered life, but is trying to stretch her wings and explore the world and, as a result, herself.

Now I've met her man once at a get together at a bar. But we didn't have deep conversations because he was withdrawn, uninterested. However, from what little I've gathered, this is his character chart:

From a writing standpoint, this triangle would collapse on itself, making this person seem very one dimensional. Someone who is autistic might not like being around people he doesn't know.

So how does a writer separate this autistic trait from shyness? They tend to look the same, making it hard for the writer and reader to separate the two.

The better question is how would I make this character more interesting? I could make the third character trait be charming. That's the last thing people would think an autistic person would have, so the distance between charm and autism feels huge.

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Dimension in the physical world can be measured. If I say you have to sprint one mile, you may feel that's a great distance for a full max effort. There's an inherent understanding there. With character traits, measuring the distance between them is difficult, so doing something unexpected like coupling charm and autism can give a character depth. Or imagine coupling kindness and hatred.

Now, here's the story: The girl has lived a sheltered life, and she realizes this. She wants to explore herself in the world by doing weird and crazy things. Her guy is afraid of people due to his autism, despite being high functioning, so going out into the world isn't the most comfortable thing.

Will their relationship work out? I mean, opposites attract, right?

I'd imagine their love story has a lot of push/pull in it. For example, she has to give in to his fear and plan things for them to do, which is to stay in and make many a Blockbuster nights. You youngens might not know what that is. He has to compromise by going out and meeting new people. The end scene would be him not talking to anyone and running away, alienating her and her friends. Of course, this being 'Merica, after much tribulation, they end up living happily ever after.

Yay. Boring.

But since this is a real life couple, could a relationship like this work? My knee jerk reaction would be No. However, I've seen some crazy couples, and they seem to be doing fine. I think the more interesting question would be why an attractive woman is working so hard to be with a man who seems to be resisting moving here and meeting her friends? That character study would make for a better story. Too much energy is placed on the end story both in real life and writing, which isn't the purpose of life. Looking at the why we do things is definitely more engaging. So...

If we look at her character chart, we can see that insecurity plays a big part. Does she not see his unwillingness to participate in her life says something about how he feels about her? No, because her insecurity blinds her to the truth, and she thinks that this guy is the best that she can get. Here we begin to understand why she can't move on. Now let's put a small twist and have them take a break from the relationship.

She goes on endless dates. Show montage of crazy dudes being idiots. We can deepen the story by writing about her co-dependency where her desperation to be married forces her to have sex with any guy that will have her. And this causes issues like self-loathing, the loss of connection with friends and family, an unplanned pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, drug use that leads to a miscarriage. And if you thought we were too nice, then we hit her hard with the death of her grandmother who had taken care of her when her own mother was on the fritz with her life.

At this point, our story can become a tragedy. After all this, how can it not be? Well a tragedy is when a character fails to become the person she should become. In this case, she fails to realize that her insecurity is something that she believes herself to be, entrenching herself deeper into worthlessness, depression. In other words, she's like a caterpillar who never becomes the butterfly. She tries to break free of her cocoon, but the man she's hung up on comes back into her world. She attaches her self-worth to him, never giving herself the chance to bloom. We see this as her not having her own thoughts, opinions, but being controlled by a man who needs to keep her down so he can feel better about himself. And his worsening treatment of her forshadows her life. 

Obviously, this is just an exercise of light character study. My friend still has her whole life ahead of her to grow, which is what people naturally do when they don't think they're worthless in any way.

Go Back To China

The New York Times ran an article on the front page in response to racial slurs against one of their journalists, Michael Luo, the author of said response.

A video with #thisis2016 tag soon followed, showing other Asian Americans sharing their own experiences with racism:

I saw the video on Facebook and asked my friend who posted it if he'd experienced this kind of racism. Like me, he said he hadn't, but an acquaintance of ours had. I actually laughed at some of the racist comments, but that's not because I hate my own kind (humans?), I don't. It's because I have a weird and salacious sense of humor, which has cost me some friends. But were they ever my friends in the first place?

There was a part of me that hoped these experiences were due to the regions these offended Asians lived in. However, New York is probably the most diverse city in the world.

I think part of racism is how we view the world. Hear me out. I had gone on a hike in the Bay Area with a friend. He was looking at a map to figure out the trails. Afterward, he started to back up and continue on the hike. A biker sped down the hill and yelled, "Open your eyes!"

My friend thought the biker was being racist, not realizing he may have walked into the biker's way. I don't recall the biker yelling the words slanty eyes, but I don't go around looking for people to hate on me for being Asian. There are plenty of other reasons to hate me. Just ask those would-be-friends of mine.

From my friend's perspective, he'd been wronged by a lot of people who don't like Asians. He even goes so far as to not ask non-Asian women out because he doesn't want to get rejected due to his ethnicity. There are plenty of other reasons for women to reject you, buddy. Yeah, we don't talk anymore. He's one of the would-be-friends. Sometimes our own prejudices color how we interpret people's treatment of us. 

Though, the article stated that a woman had yelled, "Go back to China!" That would be hard to mistake for anything else but racism. In light of all the hate in the world, this is nothing. Let me explain:

I have a friend who is an Asian woman, and she voted for Trump, loved his rhetoric from his campaign, and fully supports it. There's a lot of fear in her. Anger. Hate. And, as a result, she suffers. I've explained that she causes a lot of her own turmoil, that she succumbs to her own thoughts of fear, anger and hatred. If she were to let go, meaning didn't focus on those thoughts, didn't hold on to them, or delved into them, then she would come out of her epic fucking fog.

But she doesn't, said she can't, so she remains in her own suffering. And the only way to express that suffering is to spout out things that reflect it: fear, anger, hate.

She spat at me, "You're a bleeding-heart liberal," because I voted for Hillary Clinton. Obviously, my friend was just repeating what she's heard because the last thing I am is soft-hearted. She knows this because I don't let her get away with saying stupid shit to me.

When someone hates on you, the issue doesn't lie with those hated upon. It lies within the haters. Because if a person is filled with love, then spouting fear and hatred would be the last thing they'd do with their free time. Unless you have sadistic humor like me.

If people realized the basic truth, that all of this fear is created within their own minds, that it's not real, then so much of the suffering in this world would disappear.

We're not all perfect like you, Jimmy, my ex-girl friend would say. "I know," I often responded.

If being human is perfect, then we all are. Meaning we have moments of happiness. Moments of despair. We can create the most beautiful things the world has ever seen. And can commit the most horrid of acts. Welcome to the human race.

Great Expectations

 "Expectations. That's one of the reasons why they fail," I said. I was talking to a group about relationships.

"Women expect certain things from men. Like how men should remember the tiny details of their lady's lives. Because if they don't, then somehow the relationship isn't going well."

Some of the women thought about this, but I wasn't sure if they agreed.

So I continued, "Or if a couple is married, the wife is not obligated to have sex with her husband if she doesn't feel like it." He would expect it, of course. "But there's no law stating she has to. So if the husband forces himself on her, it's rape."

A woman then said, "But we have to deal with reality."

I wasn't sure what she meant by that as our conversation was interrupted. But she might have meant that if it had been the married couple's anniversary, then they should celebrate it. Or if they had kids, then both the mother and father would be expected to care for them equally.

Sometimes shit happens, life gets in the way, and things don't happen to plan.

I key in on the word 'reality' because it varies moment by moment. But how?

I met up with a friend I hadn't seen for a while, and he told me he had a hell of a year.

"2016 has been relentless."

Life had shit on him. Our friends had shit on him. None of them wanted to celebrate his birthday, so I offered, took him out to dinner at a sports bar.

"I'm thinking of moving to Seattle," he said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Have you noticed that white women don't want to be with Asian men here?"

"No. I've seen plenty of white women with Asian men."

He gave me a look like I was telling him a far-fetched lie.

I told him that our minds filter out a lot of stuff from the world.

"If I asked you to count all the blue things at the bar, you'd only look for blue things. Right?"

He nodded.

"How many red things would you have noticed?"

"I get your point."

Reality is determined by what we want to see and not necessarily what is in the world. Because everything is in the world. The good. The bad. And the ugly. But our conscious minds cannot handle everything. So it filters out almost all of it, giving us what we think is reality.

And moving to Seattle or any other place wouldn't have change my friend's reality because he'd take his filter, or prejudice, with him. But once he drops this filter, this mindset, then it doesn't matter where he is, he'll be able to change his reality on the go.

This applies to relationships too.

My first girlfriend had asked, "Do you remember the song that was playing on the radio when we first made out?"

I hesitated, scouring my mind for that song, a process made harder because I don't remember names to songs. This was during the age of cassette tapes. That's TAPES. iPods had yet to be invented where songs were displayed on a monochromatic display. Not only that, other processes in my body were taking place as my senses were filled with new experiences I had only imagined. So remembering a vague song wasn't on my list of priorities in that moment.

But she had wanted assurances that I loved her, that every minute we spent together was treasured by me. So if I remembered the name of that song, then in her mind, I loved her. And that was simply not true. Despite my inability to recall the name of the song, I did love her.

In contrast, she had glossed over me taking her to Disneyland for her first time. She loved all things Disney. Her room was full of memorabilia: stuffed animals, posters, movies. It was a Disney store.

For our first Christmas, I had bought some Disney dollars and gifted them to her as a hint to where I would be taking her that weekend. It took her a little bit, but she realized where we were going. She wasn't as excited as I thought she would be, and I was disappointed with that.

Now, a lot of women would say, "It's the little things that count."

Okay, gurlfriend. I had seen that she loved Disney. Heard her telling me she'd never been to The Happiest Place On Earth. Found a creative way to tell her. And scraped enough money to take her.

She saw this grand gesture, but she didn't see the little things that led up to it. I thought I had dun good. That's DUN. Past tense of...uh...

For me to have had expected her to jump for joy and run around and scream her head off with the prospect of going to Disneyland for her first time was wrong. Whether she was excited or not didn't say anything about me. She had been dealing with something difficult in her life, and I needed to understand that. That is how I should have shown love.

I'm not saying don't have expectations. Have them. But be aware that when they aren't met, other things could be going on that are outside of our sight and control. From this place, peace can be had because when our expectations aren't met, it's often out of our hands.

Love

I had written an article about know it alls. Now, since I'm the sole author on this website, I sound like a know it all. But if you've read those articles, I do point out mistakes that I've made and don't hide from them because I'm human, and humans make mistakes. Cuz we be humans.

In that post I had talked about reading my friend's book, her first. She had asked me to, and I asked her what kind of feedback she wanted. Honest feedback, she answered. And that was what I had given her, and I was very conscious of any judgements that had welled up. In those moments, I usually put her book away and turned my attention back to mine. When I critiqued her novel, I had focused on structure, major grammar faux pas, and story and character development. I did advise her to take any suggestions that I had made with massive grains of salt. Well, massive grains would really be chunks of salt. Whatever.

On Memorial Day, I had sent her an email to see how she was doing. Not necessarily wondering what she thought of my notes, but to see how life was going for her. She lives in a different state. We had been friends for a long time, around twenty years, I think. We had met at the martial arts school that I used to attend. And we've experience each other's ups and downs.

She has yet to return my email, and she's usually pretty quick with those.

As I've written in another article, sometimes chapters in our lives end with the writing off of certain friendships. And maybe for her, she has closed the book on ours, which saddens me.

However, if it was due to my feedback, then I completely understand. Essentially, I attacked her baby.

I've heard this said many times. Writing the book is the easy part. Getting it out into the world is the hardest. That doesn't make the author's work less important to that author. Despite the number of books being published per year, each one is precious. That also doesn't mean each one will see the light of the public, nor is the public's response any real measure of success. Though, it'd be nice!

Writing a book is a lot like love. Being in a relationship is risky business. We risk our hearts, our sanity, our very souls for love, not to mention time. But the risk is worth the reward. What we get back from another human being, that connection that we all seek is oh so amazing and beautiful.

So it is for authors. We risk our hearts, our sanity, our very souls, not to mention time, to put into words what life can portray in a single moment. But the risk is worth the reward. What we get back from the process, a better understanding of ourselves is oh so amazing and beautiful. For all us authors out there, let's put everything we have into our books because doing anything less would insult the love we have for our stories.