The One Is Out There

No. I'm not talking about Heysus Kristo nor Thomas Anderson, aka Neo. I'm talking about soul mates.

I was consoling a friend because her relationship had ended. I knew there was nothing I could say except to listen. From my perspective, this breakup had been a good thing because she was entrenched in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. She wanted a child and marriage, and her ex had told her he didn't from the beginning. So he was upfront. But she just wanted to have some fun, so she decided to have some fun with him. A year had flown by and he didn't change his mind about marriage and children. She knew he wouldn't, but as I've said, she was stuck, like a sabertooth sinking in a tar pit.

image.gif

Part of her being entrenched was that she had been afraid of going through the pain of a breakup. I get that. But loving someone and knowing that you're not right for each other can play games on your mind. During the relationship, she had questioned her want for children, her need for marriage and wondered if holding back her affections had driven him away. After the breakup, she found herself wanting to reconcile with her ex, throwing out her wants and needs and forgetting how he had treated her because the fear of being alone haunted her.

Searching for some answer or meaning, she decided to talk to a coach that specializes in relationships. The coach had told her that a man with all the qualities and attributes that my friend wanted existed. She was surprised to hear this, and asked, "He is?" The coach confirmed, essentially stating that the one is out there. My friend was relieved and felt much better about her predicament. Her biological alarm clock was going off, and her hopes of having a child was waning.

When I had been consoling my friend, it never occurred to me to tell her that the one was out there. Even if the thought had crossed my mind, I would still never tell her this. I don't believe in the one. I don't know if a man with all the qualities and attributes that she wants is out there. And even if he was, there's no way for anyone to know if he will meet my friend. And if they were to meet and got married and had kids, he'd change and grow and become a new person. Just like a real boy.

Still, my friend had felt better and been relieved. So, didn’t the coach’s statement help her cope with the emotional fallout of her breakup? Cope means to deal effectively with something difficult. If this statement only pacifies her for a moment, then no, it doesn't help because she still needs to heal from her breakup. Sometimes that can be painful.

There are going to be moments where she'll want to cry. She won't want to eat. She may want to stay home and not see people. That's perfectly fine. Sometimes it sunny. Sometimes it rains.

image.gif

When she told me what the coach had said, I did not challenge it. The reason is simple. Just as I can't know if a man of her dreams exists, I don't know if he doesn't. Nor do I know whether or not they'll meet. And even if they met, would he marry her and be the father of her child? I tell her all the time. Humans are awful at telling the future. Extraordinarily horrible. We can make educated guesses. But educated or not, they're still guesses.

My advice was simple. Process these feelings. Cry. Talk to people. Eat ice cream. Tons of it. No, don't do that. Go outside. Whatever she wants to do. This isn't her first rodeo. She's come out of past breakups fine. She'll come out of this fine as well.

Afterward, move forward. Have hope. There are tons of people out there. I mean, if a ton is 2,000 pounds, and the average man weighs around 160 pounds, that's 12.5 men per ton. There are forty million people in California alone. In other words, there's hella men for her to meet. Whatever the next step is, be it dating sites, going out with friends, putting herself out there is a great first step. The other choice is giving up. To do that would only fulfill her fear of dying alone.

Hope. If we can't change our past or tell the future, then hope helps point the mind in the right direction.

Don't Be a Fuckin' Pussy

Don't be a fuckin' pussy. I told someone that the other day. In those exact words. After he deleted my sarcastic joke on a group chat. That's like telling me to shut up. So I told him don't be a fuckin' pussy. He took offense. But he didn't swear back, which I found strange.

He told me that he had deleted my comment because he didn't "want it to set her off." There were other women in the chat, but he made reference to one. I've also seen him interact with this particular woman, and it's pretty obvious he likes her. The issue is that this woman leans toward the masculine side. Not physically, she's very pretty. But she likes cars, guns, action movies and abhors girly things like chick flicks. And the guy who deleted my comment is not assertive. So...

Good luck buddy.

All of this sparked memories of me being a nice guy and how I often ended up with the short end of the stick. No, my stick ain't short. I'm not saying you have to be an asshole to get the girl, for example, because that will eventually blow up too. So what should a man be?

I have a friend who plays the nice guy when he goes on dates. What do I mean by play? Any true opinion he holds goes out the window for fear that he'll offend his date. So if she likes something, then he'll state he likes that as well whether that's true or not. He takes women on expensive first dates such as concerts, which is a bad idea because they won't connect through something I like to call, conversation. Or when trying to set up a date, he'll ask if they want to do this or go to that instead of just saying, "Let's do this. It sounds fun." He's playing nice in order to get at her. This becomes a balancing act because he represses his true self and acts out the nice guy.

But if the woman likes him, he'll continue walking the tight rope of truth and fiction, trying to figure out what part of him she likes. Unfortunately, second dates for him are like taking a picture of the mythical unicorn.

The truth of the matter is that he is an interesting person. He's like a diamond in that he has a lot of facets to his life, but muddies them up with his insecurities to the point that others can't see them. From the outside he looks and acts awkward.

Now, I ain't no dating coach. But I do know this. Being yourself is the easiest thing to be. You don't gotta be fake. It takes a lot of work to be fake. Not only do you have to suppress your real self but you have to create a fake personality to portray. When you're yourself, all your hang ups go out the window because you aren't thinking about them. You don't have to look cool, or be cool, or act as if you're cool. You're real. So if a woman likes him, then he'll know that she likes him for him.

However, if someone doesn't like you for you, then you know they ain't gonna be a good friend to ya. Because if they liked the fake you and saw the real you, then "Drama!"

I've had people not like me for various reasons. And I don't give a shit. I can't. To try and patch the holes of my inefficiencies by their standards is like trying to stop a broken dam. That ain't gonna happen. I'm too busy for that shit.

Also know that if someone doesn't like you, the issues lies within them. Some woman had professed her hatred for me. Apparently, I was too vulgar. I couldn't stop laughing when my friend told me that. I'm comfortable in my skin. Not all the time. I'm only human. But generally I'm pretty comfortable talking about anything. This woman who hates me may not be. Her insecurities may flare up with my...ahem...honesty. Or maybe she was taught to be a good girl. So whenever she's confronted with anything that may poke holes in that facade, then her automatic response is to shun it.

Pretense is very hard to shed. For some people they've lived with this facade throughout their whole lives. Habits are difficult to break. Ask any woman not to wear makeup for a week and see if they'll do it. Highly unlikely. Like chipping away at a concrete wall, breaking a habit will take time. Shit. I'm still working at it. But I do it because I like who I am. I do it for me.

The Rabbit, the Nasty Woman, and the Tight Shirt

There has been a huge focus lately on inequality. Women are paid less than men as an example. I was listening to Joe Rogan's podcast. He had a specialist that stated men get paid more when we look at the average pay of both genders because men tend to hold higher positions in the corporate world and are also the ones to own their own businesses, skewering the numbers.

But even in the highest positions, the gap in pay between the genders can be huge. Or that women may not have access to those opportunities.

The women's march that took place over the weekend where Ashley Judd used Nina Donavan's Nasty Woman poem as an epic rant had shed some light on some of the deeper issues. All of which I agreed with, and the march was a good first step.

Coincidentally, my Facebook page had also been ladened with how unfair Asian men are treated. And how we're seen as the least desired race in men.

Tangent much? I know. Just come with me into the rabbit hole.

There was an OKCupid study that showed the largest percentage of likes going to Caucasian men and Asian women, while the least went to Asian men and black women. I've experienced this myself. My white counterpart seemed to have a much easier time lining up dates, while I can barely get someone to peek into my online profile.

The issue of equal pay is important. That issue can be fixed, difficult as it may be. At least regulations can be formed to address this. But creating laws to make women check out my online profile is a bit much, crazy.

Let's assume there's nothing wrong with my online profile. Then let's assume women aren't jumping for joy when they see my stats because I ain't considered tall, I'm Asian, and I dance like this:

In the online market, there are men with better stats. I can't control that, except to learn to dance better. So what's a guy to do?

Jump off a cliff. NO. Joking.

For me I've found that meeting women in person works well. Lucky for me, men are idiots. More so in person. So as long as I avoid being too much of an idiot, I'm half way there. And being out in the open where stats cannot follow me, I can use humor, charm, insights, passions, and a tight shirt to open the door to a lady's heart. Or other desirable parts. Shit. Idiot!

The point is to not take on someone's limitations, or the results of a study, as your own. Does that mean I have to give up? No. Go forth. If something isn't working, then find another way. The path may be difficult. But do it anyways.

How to Fail at Dating

I had a small spiritual epiphany watching an episode of The Big Bang Theory. How can a sitcom give anyone anything other than empty entertainment? I don't know, but it helped explain the string of bad dates I've been having. Whatchutalkinbout, Willis?

I'd written an article about the show, describing how the writers had given depth to characters who all seem to be the same on the surface: nerds and geeks.

One character, Sheldon Cooper, is a doctor in physics whose dream is to win the Nobel Prize and attain the fame that comes along with it. In one episode in season seven, Sheldon makes a discovery that earns him global fame. So, of course, he's walking around praising himself. One of his character traits is narcism. Then disaster darkens his world when he realizes his discovery was based off of a simple mistake that he had made.

Here's the epiphany. If Sheldon hadn't made the mistake, then he wouldn't have made the discovery.

Now, hindsight is 20/20. As we move through time, we don't know if mistakes will lead to greatness. But in spiritual circles living the guided life, trusting The Lord for He has a plan for all, living with innate wisdom, co-creating with the Source, living from the inside out, or whatever else you wanna call it suggests that there is some guiding force. Those same circles state that our free will is just a basic choice of having faith and following it or flat out ignoring it.

So how does this apply to my bad dates and disconnects with women? It seems women don't realize I have a sense of humor. And I warn them that 99% of the time I'm joking, and the other 1% I'm not serious. But still, I seem to make the same mistake, making jokes that women take seriously. You'd think I would stop with the jokes. Nope.

Stop me if you've heard this one: A couple is about to get married, but the guy gets cold feet. Or a feeling of canceling the wedding overwhelms the woman. Maybe, their intuition is telling them something. Although, I suspect some of the trepidation is just trepidation. 

But I also suspect that some of that is truth. And calling off the wedding or engagement goes against societal norm. Cuz, hell, everything has been paid for, invitations have been sent, airline tickets have been bought, the venue has been reserved. We can't cancel a miserable marriage and a horrible life together to inconvenience people. That would be rude.

Recently, I had made a joke about paying for dinner to my date. And I realized that was a mistake when the girl went off on me. We've since never talked again. Oh, well.

I always pay for dinner just as I would open the door, let the lady order first, offer my hoodie if she's cold. Yeah, no suit and tie for me. Whether she's the one who got away (that would be a no), or a good mistake where I dodged a bullet (most likely), I'm content.

When dating, it's good to fail hard and fast. That way you're not spending precious time with someone who isn't a match. I say this because I've met a lot of people who seem to get hung up on the fact that they failed, as a result, are afraid to fail again, and to prevent further failure they don't move on, which is true failure. My path that led me to writing has been wrought with many failed dreams and attempts at many different art forms. Some creative art forms took longer for me to realize they weren't for me. Others like trying to learn how to sing was pretty quick. You do not want to hear me sing at a karaoke bar; basically, I sound like I'm reading the words on the screen because I am reading the words on the screen.