Toot Your Own Horn

I went to an amazing house party last night and met up with friends and made new ones. I mean, I didn't actually make them, their parents made them, anyway, not the point. Now, I don't wanna toot my own horn...

...OK...that's kinda gross. Back to the party, several women had told me that I was a good looking man. I didn't really know what to do with that. Except say, "Uh...thanks." Let me explain. It's not so much that I have low self esteem, it's that I try not to depend on other people's opinion to help shape my view of myself.

Of course there are going to be days that I think I look pretty hawt. And there are going to be days that I think I emerged from under the bridge from a day's work of collecting tolls. A troll for those who've forgotten their fairy tales. That's normal in the life of a human being.

Given that I normally go through these cycles, having to depend on people's opinions to make me feel better about myself would only make those cycles even more erratic and unpredictable and drive me nuts. 

Imagine a magic potion. If I could hire a concocter to concoct a well concocted concoction to have concoctive effects as to give a person courage to go out into the world and talk to anyone, for example to ask for a phone number. I could name this concoction Liquid Courage and bottle it up and sell it at bars or concerts or places where people congregate that spend endless amounts of money on my concoction. Beer anyone?

All of the sudden, those people—ahem—men—would solely depend on Liquid Courage to give them the...well, courage to talk to...say...women. And the lower that person's self esteem, the more Liquid Courage they need. And we all know how women love men who are intoxicated...right.

So it is with people's acceptance of us. We'll eventually come to depend on it so much that we'll do anything to get it, like do stupid things: sleeping with people we don't want to, doing drugs to escape the pain of not feeling good about ourselves, buying tons of stuff to try and fill that non-existent hole.

Worse, what happens when people hate on us? Feel like shit, that's what. 

I do appreciate everyone's generosity when they pay me compliments, and for that moment I do feel good, but I am aware that I have to feel good about me, being me, doing me, well not doing me, OK, sometimes, but living my truth. And if I offend people with my truth at that moment, which has happened many times, that isn't my fault. I cannot control how they feel nor their opinions of me. 

And as I've written about self esteem, that is a misnomer. We go through cycles of feeling good, not feeling good. Once we accept that, know that, then feeling bad or good becomes just something we go through, like hunger, or periods. All right. I don't shed my uterine walls every month, but you get my drift. So, toot your own horn. Yours is the only one worth tooting. Yeesh. Dat don't sound right.