Friday Quips

The sun's warmth hugged me as I sat outside Starbucks doing rewrites. A woman and her cute but tentative dog sat behind me. She cooed at her little buddy, trying to get him to drink from the bowl. Two girls and their own dog strolled from the pet store next door to the lady and started gushing over her shy pup. The girls giggled and left to continue their dog walk.

The lady said, "That was your chance buddy."

Being torn out of my fantasy world, I glanced at the girls walking away, surmised they were around mid-teens, and said, "They're a little young for me."

The lady laughed. "I was talking to my dog," she referred to his chance at making a new friend with the girls' dog. "But I'm glad you think so."

Yeah, cuz I don't wanna be Bubba's bitch. 

An example of the meaning of life:

Dude, who farted?

Dude, who farted?

Resistance is futile:

Picard was here

Picard was here

When I was in Hawaii, I had made a mistake at work that was pretty significant. I had also hired a writing coach to shore up my manuscript before submitting it to agents, and I joked with her, asking her to tear it apart. She did. Both of these things happened within the first week of arriving in paradise. I wanted to quit my job. I had nightmares of my coach shredding my dreams of being a writer, let alone a published writer. I dove into the dark depths of depression. Well...not really. But it sure felt like it.

Then a realization popped into my head. I ain't curin' cancer. What happened to me aren't real problems. You know what a problem is? Running away from a grizzly, knowing that a grizzly is way faster than the fastest human being on earth. Or sky diving and thinkin', "Where's my parachute?"

The worse that would happen is that I'll get fired and never get published. Neither of those things would end my life. Being ripped apart by a bear wouldn't feel too good, sorta like a really bad massage with no happy ending. Trying to land from a 15,000 foot drop wouldn't be a good day either. Well...I'd land. I'd just be a lot shorter than I am now.

Another example of the meaning of life:

Did you remember to turn off the iron?

Did you remember to turn off the iron?

A couple of weeks ago, I'd went to a lecture about orgasm. This woman talked about flow, like how athletes are in the flow when they're playing, and that flow is really orgasmic, which was another word for adrenaline, in other words, bait and switch. Then, she read a list of quotes, I think they were about her, of how she wasn't a conformist, how she was an individual, implementing her in our minds as unique because she ushers away societal norms. After each quote, this woman gazed over her subjects, and several people in the audience of about thirty nodded their heads and laughed, agreeing with the quotes, proclaiming their own uniqueness and individualism as well.

First of all, she had been trying to butter us up, get us to conform to her ideals so she could sell her personal coaching sessions, which was fine.

Second, we's alls be special, gurl. I'm special like yellow bus special, but that's okay. Shuttering away from societal norms doesn't make you unique or separate you from being a sheep. It just makes you a follower. Knowing yourself, your loves and hates, being connected with yourself and others, accepting yourself for who you are, or following your own beat of the drum is what makes you special. Having your own voice, thinking for yourself, or living a life of wonder is more important than trying to conform to a non-conformist. Fuck! Just freakin' live. No one is guaranteed tomorrow.

Another example of the meaning of life:

Stairway to Heaven...or the beach

Stairway to Heaven...or the beach

Women and men are different. Whoa, Jimmy, you're, like, hella brilliant. As I was peeing in a public restroom, I tried to dissolve a piece of poo stuck to the side of the toilet bowl. I thought to myself, I know of no woman who would do this. And not because they don't have the equipment, they'd just use a toilet brush.

Women and men love to accomplish stuff. Women's accomplishments, for example, are connecting with people, listening, empathizing with their circle of friends, gossiping about others, gathering information, raising children, winning arguments against their men.

Men are more physical. We like to have trophies to reflect our accomplishments. Things such as animal heads, cool cars, loud motorcycles, big houses, or caves for the cavemen, rolled boogers from our nostrils, earwax, or very audible farts are our prizes.

Last quip: I heard the new bachelorette, Andi Dorfman, say, "...all y'all's..."

She's a lawyer, so she is edumacated. Yes, that's edumacated. But saying all y'all's is like saying, "It's totally, completely, entirely, and 150% cool." 

And what the hell am I doing watching The Bachelorette? My sister had it on, and I was like who was that, and she wasn't even in the room. Ok. I was lyin'. All y'all's don't hate.