I decided to take a break from writing and stood from my table in Starbucks to go to the bathroom—excuse me—Men's Room because my bladder beckoned me so. A female barista came out of the Men's Room because the women's bathroom was in use. She said, "Why do guys' bathroom smell like pee?"
We go way back.
My response was carefully composed and thought out. "I dunno."
The obvious answer was that there was pee on the floor. But then that beckoned the question why was there pee on the floor? And the obvious answer would then be men can't aim while peeing. It's true. We stand over the toilet, like literally, our thingybobs dangle right over the bowl, and all we have to do is piss into that relatively large bowl. I mean, pro basketball players can make 3-point shots into baskets that are smaller than most toilets. So what is our freakin' issue?
The toilet is on the floor and pee has a couple of feet to travel before splashing into the water, so the Earth's rotation moves the target enough where the pee misses. Let's just say that's true. It ain't. But gimme this one for now. All right. The Earth's rotation is the cause of the Men's Room smelling like piss.
That doesn't explain urinals, though.
Let me get ghetto here: it don't mattah where I be at, every urinal I be seein' has a puddle of piss on da floor. I hate it because I hate stepping into piss, so I find myself straddling the puddle, while I make my deposit, which is apparently hard enough as it is. And ladies, I know you haven't had the pleasure, but it can't get any easier than peeing into urinals. I mean, they're usually mounted on the walls high enough where our pee travels at most half a foot, if that.
So what the hell is going on? Why don't Men's Rooms smell like Women's, all rosy and fresh with lounges pushed against the wall and shelves full of romance novels and self-help books?
I think I figured it out.
My ex and I had adopted a dog, a chihuahua mix, which I named Dobby. Yes, like the elf from Harry Potter. Cuz he has ears like Dobby. All of the sudden our lives changed because our schedules rotated around two basic things: our dog's eating schedule and potty schedule. And for some strange reason, I took pleasure in watching my dog peeing and pooing. Don't ask me why. I’m strange. Goes along with having the satisfaction of picking a rather large booger out. Maybe I’m just a neat freak.
Anyway, one morning Dobby was pawing at the bed to indicate he’s gotta go and he’s gotta go right now! At this point, I could take him out without a leash cuz he knew the routine, and he ran over to a green patch of grass. Normally, he’d sniff around to find the perfect spot to take a piss on, cuz peeing on a bad spot is a no-no in dog world. But this morning he peed like he had been out binge drinking the night before. Like I was standing there waiting…and scratchin’ my head…then scratchin’ my other head…
Then I noticed something I hadn’t before. He didn’t aim. In other words, he didn’t bother to look down and aim. Where ever his thingybob pointed is where it went. But he was focused on being aware of his surroundings. His nose pointed in different directions, wiggling as he explored his surroundings. His eyes scanned the neighboring houses and bushes. His tail was up and alert, but I think that was more about not getting it dirty.
Having expelled the contents of his bladder, Dobbs sniffed around in another patch of grass to find the perfect spot to take a crap. Obviously, for whatever reason, this spot wasn’t good enough, so his little legs worked like a sprinter's and brought him to another fresh patch of green grass. After long moments of sniffing and contemplating, Dobbs arched his tiny back, straddled his hind legs and butt hole over that perfect spot. His little body shook from bearing down, squeezing out the prior day’s meals. Still at this moment of pure physical and mental focus, Dobby was well aware of his surroundings, ready to dash away from danger and leave me to fend for myself.
So it must have been this way during the caveman days where bathrooms had yet to be invented. Men must have peed and pooed and kept scanning their surroundings for dangers such as lions, tigers, hyenas, and even other cavemen.
Ladies, I hope you now understand the plight of men, and how our caveman instincts still live in us today. It isn’t our fault that we can’t seem to aim our pee, despite being evolved human beings.